Night and Day, And Still No Pictures

I want to share some thoughts on how this pregnancy is going. Not that it's necessary to record these things, in fact, I'm hoping that this baby girl never reads this because she may feel a little slighted. Her mommy loved just about every minute of being pregnant with her big brother, Levi, but now with her, she's ready for her get out already!!!!

Before getting pregnant with Levi, I dreamed of being a mom and I dreamed of being pregnant. I would always admire a pregnant woman and her bulging belly with wonder and amazement. So curious as to what it would feel like to be pregnant. I also envied women who had little tiny babies to hold, cuddle, and take care of. From as far as my memory takes me, I've wanted to be a mom. It's in my blood. I love to mother and nurture things - except plants, I hate plants and gardens!! Anyway, once I was pregnant I was so excited to experience pregnancy and to eventually experience motherhood. My attitude and expectations were so positive, full of life and energy, and happiness. I had an optimistic view for everything. I was even THRILLED to give birth! Labor and delivery excited me!

After the initial sickness and fatigue wore off around week 16 of my first pregnancy, I was overtaken with this amazing sense of energy, motivation, and blissfulness. I felt on top of the world and was loving being pregnant. Food tasted like it was sent down from heaven. I ate what I wanted when I wanted it and thankfully my weight was not going through the roof. I didn't' really eat alot of food or even alot of bad foods, I just didn't stop myself if I wanted a bowl of ice cream after dinner. And I didn't hesitate to not bake (and eat) a whole pan of brownies. Even the third trimester of my first pregnancy was great. I had very few complaints, but I didn't pay attention to them or even dwell on them. After all, in a few short weeks, all my dreams were about to come true.

Now, what's left to dream? That's what comes to mind these days. Since I found out I am pregnant, I have had the worst attitude ever! It seems like my mood has been stuck on "bad" for 24 weeks. I have a hard time being nice and considerate, when before those things (at least I think) came quite naturally. Plus it's hard to be in a good mood when you are constantly tired, lethargic, nauseous, and unmotivated. The nausea has started to fade over the past week and a half, thank goodness. And my energy comes and goes. My mood however, hasn't seen "good" in a while. Oh, I pretend I'm in a good mood. Slap on a happy face and keep going, I'm good at that. But inside I'm pretty blah and, well, hateful! Some of you, and I'm really, really sorry, have had to deal with my poopy mood first hand. I tell people at work that they will like me better when I am not pregnant anymore...we'll see!! I feel so guilty that I feel this way. This baby girl (who I WISH had a name) deserves so much more! I deserve more for having to put up with illness, fatigue, and feeling like I woke up on the wrong side of the bed everyday for the past 24 weeks!! I've always dreamed of a big family and I want more kids. I just hope I don't look back on this pregnancy and have nothing good to say about it.

Other than my mood and nausea, there are a long list of complaints, but there is no need to list them off to you. No one wants to hear them. I'm so frustrated that we don't have a name picked out yet. Not even a top five. In fact, there is not one name that Scott and I both like equally. He seems to like modern, popular names, while I like older names that do not get used. I don't know why the name thing bothers me so much, but it has really affected my mood and the enjoyment (or lack there of) of this pregnancy. There are times when I just wish it could be over. I want my baby girl with every last drop of my being, but I just don't like the feelings I've been having. I'm being selfish, and I know it.

I feel horrible I haven't even touched her room yet. I guess I've cleaned it out, but that's it. There are a few things hanging up in the closet, but that's about it. I have no idea what color to paint the walls. I have no idea what bedding I'm going to use or how I'm going to decorate her room. I almost feel like I can't if I don't know her name. Isn't that odd? Why am I so picky right now? I blame the hormones. It didn't bother me at all that we weren't certain what Levi's name was going to be. I was excited to work on Levi's room and pretty much got started right away, once I started feeling better.

Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Who cares that her room is filled with Levi's toys? Does she have to have a name yet? There are still 3 months and a few weeks left to decide what her name will be. I guess I just wish I could change my mood. I'm looking forward to our upcoming vacation in Gatlinburg with our family. And then my mom will be off for the summer and we'll be doing fun activities...all while dragging someone else's kid along for the fun. Oh well, such is life. I do love spending time with my mom. She has a way of making me feel better. But the poor woman sure puts up with alot. I remember at Christmastime I was at my worst. I felt so sick and my mood was as stinky as a pile of fresh manure on a hot summer's day. And she so kindly, and lovingly, ignored it and loved me through it.

Everything is different about this pregnancy. It's like night and day. Although, I'm only halfway through. Maybe the second half will be more joyful....one can only hope!

Oh, and I still don't have pictures to post.

PS Before you start offering advice on what might make my mood better (which I will gladly accept) just know that I've tried chocolate and that doesn't work! ;-)

PPS Sheesh, you had no idea you were entering a world of negativity, did you?